Fic: Kidnapped
Dec. 29th, 2009 06:49 pmTitle: Kidnapped
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Ari/Tony, DiNozzo/Gibbs
Genre: First Time, Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Tony is kidnapped by Ari Haswari and the team has to race to find him ... and then deal with the consequences ... co-authored with
sarkywoman
Warning: Non-Con
Disclaimer:We don’t own the characters of NCIS ...
He probably hadn't been there long. Just his perception of time altered by all the bad stuff. The bad stuff including, but not limited to: blindfolds, gags, tied wrists, occasional beatings from thugs, occasional visits from Ari Haswari, and so many drugs that Tony would have feared for his liver had he not been swimming in a psychedelic dream world most of the time.
“Tony, Tony, Tony,” Ari said.
Tony cringed away from the voice. He couldn’t see, couldn’t move, but they hadn’t plugged his ears, forcing him to listen to the sickly sweet tone of Ari’s voice. He felt Ari’s hand in his hair and cringed even more. He couldn’t get away from the man’s touch.
"I can see why Gibbs keeps you," the man purred. "I had originally planned to hurt him through his women. I would begin by shooting Caitlin, then Abigail, then slowly move through his female acquaintances, watching him lose everything. I am so glad I decided to observe him a little closer, otherwise I might have missed out on the chance to break his heart by breaking his most faithful and obedient pet."
Tony hmphed through the gag, struggling against the bindings. Ari’s thugs had caught unaware as he’d left work. A good smack to the head (as usual) had knocked him out and when he’d woken up he was tied up, blindfolded and gagged.
"Sssh, don't struggle so," Ari said, as though he cared, "You could hurt yourself. If you desire freedom so much I can cater to your whim in some small measure. Here." Tony felt Ari's hands slide over his arms. He didn't like it, he felt too hot to be touched, especially by a bastard like Haswari. Then suddenly, his wrists were free. The shock of it sent him falling forward, but he was caught and lowered down gently.
Tony felt himself being placed on a bed. He could tell the sheets were high quality, Egyptian cotton. He had to admit that they felt nice against his skin … his almost bare skin.
A hand brushed his forehead. "You feel warm. I will fetch you some water." Tony didn't protest, though he doubted Ari had his best interests at heart. Some moments later, a cool glass pressed against his lips. "Drink. It will make you feel so much better." Tony was so thirsty that he complied, the refreshing cold water feeling heavenly on his tongue and down his dry throat.
“That’s good,” Ari said, petting Tony’s hair. “Very good. Drink it till it’s gone … that’s it … “
Tony hated feeling like he was relying on Ari. He hated feeling so helpless. He silently wondered how much effort was being put into finding him, considering how much of a pain he knew he could be.
Soon the liquid became a trickle, then even that dried up. The glass was taken away, Tony heard it 'clink' somewhere. It was irritating that he couldn't even pinpoint the direction of sounds now, the drugs addling him to the point that his head was spinning. "Good boy," Ari praised, his hand returning to stroke through Tony's hair almost lovingly. "You are a very good boy."
“Sc-screeew ‘oo,” Tony managed to croak out.
“Such language,” Ari admonished. “And you were being so good … “
Tony felt the weight on the bed shift. Ari was moving away. "I do so hate having to utilize drugs to keep your temper in check, Agent DiNozzo, but if I continued to hand you over to my men for beatings each time you were insolent, you would be a battered corpse by now. Although I'm sure that could serve as a lesson to Jethro, I have planned for a more subtle revenge. Something to attack his pride.”
Tony’s tongue felt like it was coated in cotton. He tried to reply, to make a snaky comment, but his mouth just wouldn’t cooperate.
“I watched him for a while, you know,” Ari said conversationally as he walked around the bed. “Watched who he interacted with and how. And I have to say, his relationship with you is most interesting.”
Tony felt a stab of mild pain in his arm, but Ari continued to talk as though this were normal. By this point it was, for them. "You are his, are you not? In spirit and mind if not in body. But I think that you would quite like the full trilogy." His hand trailed down Tony's chest and it left a tingling path. Behind the blindfold, Tony tried to blink away the sudden pressure in his head. What had the bastard dosed him with now?
“Wha’ ‘id ‘oo giv’ ‘e?” Tony mumbled, frowning under the blindfold. “Don’ feel … “
Ari chuckled and continued to touch Tony’s skin, his hands sliding down to the waistband of Tony’s pants. “Just a little something to … help things along,” he murmured.
Tony felt the mattress sink beside him, then fingers were tugging his blindfold away. The world was blurrier than he remembered. "There," Haswari said with a slight smile, "Now I can see the eyes that fill with awe whenever Jethro Gibbs takes a breath." He stroked Tony's cheek tenderly, fingers snagging the gag. "Let's be rid of this too, so I might get answers to the questions I'm going to ask."
Tony stared with wide eyes at Ari. He had to admit, if they’d met under different circumstances, if Ari wasn’t a terrorist bent on destroying Gibbs, he may have been interested. “Gibbs’ gonna kill you,” he mumbled. “Stole a federal agent …“
"I did more than that," Ari said with a grin. "I kidnapped his favourite federal agent."
Tony laughed, but it was more like a sharp sigh. "Not his fav'rite."
Haswari's eyebrows furrowed in a frown. "No? But you worship the ground he walks on. You try so hard."
“’m a good agent,” Tony mumbled.
“You are a very good agent,” Haswari agreed. “Because you work hard to please Agent Gibbs. You look up to him … “
“e’s a good man,” Tony said.
"Not to you," Ari said softly, his hand now trailing up and down Tony's thigh, leaving that tingly feeling wherever it went. "It is clear that he does not know how to treat you. He is like a king, brave and kind, but kicks his most faithful hound, who *still* returns to hump his leg. I find it most tragic to watch. You lay here, defending him, when you have been my helpless captive for over two weeks with no sign of your hero."
Two weeks? Had he really been there for two weeks? Tony had no way of knowing how much time had passed. Even if he wasn’t blindfolded, the room he was in had no windows, no way to account for the passing of time. Had Gibbs given up on him? No, Tony refused to think like that. Haswari probably just had him someplace remote and Gibbs was just trying to find a way to get there.
"If I had someone nearly as loyal to me, I would keep them protected. It does Gibbs no credit that I have taken you from him so easily. Perhaps... he doesn't see the same qualities in you that I do?"
"He doesn't love me..." Tony mumbled, only wondering afterwards why the fuck those words had slipped out.
Tony didn’t see the look of victory that crossed Ari’s face. “That’s right, Tony,” he said. “He doesn’t love you … he just keeps you around because you’re … loyal.” He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to Tony’s neck.
Tony shuddered at the touch, trying to flinch away, but finding his body unresponsive.
"If he loved you, you would not be stuck here with me. You would be with him. Instead it is up to me to show you how precious you are." A hand cupped between his legs lightly and the sensation made Tony press up into the touch. He knew he shouldn't have, but it felt so good. And all the while Ari was whispering things into his ear. "I left plenty of clues. I can't understand why Gibbs has left you with me."
Tony blinked back tears. Had Gibbs left him to the mercy of Ari Haswari? Gibbs hated Ari, did that mean he hated Tony? Sure, Tony knew he could be a pain sometimes, but …
Ari smiled and ran his free hand over Tony’s chest, flicking Tony’s nipples. “You are beautiful, Tony,” Ari murmured. “Did you know that? Your skin is this beautiful gold color and your hair is so soft … “
Ari started to ease Tony's pants down his legs, placing gentle kisses on his quivering skin. He followed the fabric with his mouth, even as far as swiping his tongue over Tony's knees, eliciting a shiver from his captive. "You are truly worthy of attention, Tony DiNozzo," he murmured to the drugged man. "I am sorry that you cannot have it from the one you desire."
“Don’ wan’ you,” Tony mumbled, trying to evade Ari’s mouth, even though he couldn’t deny how good it felt.
"Now, now," Ari scolded teasingly, "We both know that is not true. After all, you are Anthony DiNozzo, you bed anything with a pulse. Gibbs is not the only one I have observed, you know. I thoroughly enjoyed keeping an eye on you, Tony. Does Gibbs know what you get up to on your free evenings?"
Tony shook his head, a move which made him feel dizzy, despite the fact that he was still just laying down.
“Ah, then you are very good at hiding yourself from your boss,” Ari murmured, pressing a few kisses to Tony’s hipbone. “I bet I can help you out … make you feel good.”
“No,” Tony whimpered. “Leave me alone … let me go.”
"That is not going to happen. I have worked too hard to have you here, much harder than Gibbs has worked to find you. But then..." Ari dropped Tony's trousers and boxers to the floor, "why should he hurry? He has Caitlin and Agent McGee, Miss Sciuto, Doctor Mallard... Is your contribution of shameless hero-worship truly necessary to the work of NCIS?"
“I do work … I’m a good agent,” Tony whimpered.
“Shhh, I know you are,” Ari said, wrapping a hand around Tony’s cock. “Gibbs doesn’t see it … I see it. I want you, Tony. Gibbs doesn’t - I do.”
It was so much to fit into his brain. He trusted Gibbs, he did, but why wasn't he here? Tony didn't know. He didn't know why it had to be him being kidnapped, didn't know why Gibbs hadn't found him. Didn't know why Gibbs couldn't love him. But the hand slowly sliding up and down his cock reminded him that there was one thing he knew upside down and through and through. Sex. His favorite drug.
“That’s it, Tony,” Ari said. “Be a good boy … “
Tony whimpered and arched into Ari’s touch, even though it shamed him to want something so intimate from him.
"You are such a responsive, tactile creature, Tony," Ari said with approval. "Craving stimulation from even the most unwelcome of acquaintances. I find it shockingly attractive in a bed partner." As he spoke, Ari had slid a finger underneath Tony to massage his hole. "Would you let me make love to you, Agent DiNozzo? I would sate that gnawing urge for attention and compassion that you have inside.”
Tony felt the tears streaming down his cheeks, filled with shame. How could he allow this man to do this to him? But … oh, it felt so good … He whined a bit and arched against Ari.
Ari's composure weakened enough for a groan to escape the man's lips. "I can't understand how Gibbs abstains from you, but I will make him regret it." Then Ari drove into him, making Tony cry out with the sharp pain. But the pain soon faded, replaced with that damn tingling sensation again, this time multiplied by a hundred, and Tony found himself moaning at his own violation.
“Oh Tony,” Ari said as he thrust. “So beautiful … and all mine now. They’ll never get you back … you’ll always be mine.”
The words ran together, became a buzz in the back of Tony’s brain as he gave himself over to the sensations. He closed his eyes and pretended that it was Gibbs thrusting into him, Gibbs touching him.
Though his whole body was alight with pleasure, Tony was too weak to actively participate. He could only lay there while he was fucked, eyes scrunched shut as he pictured blue eyes and silver hair and a firm, Marine body. Gibbs. His Gibbs, finding him, saving him, fucking him, taking him to heaven and back, caring for him, like a reward because Tony was a good boy, tried so hard....
Ari thrust a few more times before he came hard inside Tony. He noticed Tony’s tightly closed eyes and shook his head, slipping a hand down to Tony’s cock and stroking him. “Oh Tony,” Ari said. “Why are you fighting this? Give yourself to me and I will make it so good for you … “
Tony jerked at the new stimulation, his drugged body trying its damned best to fuck Haswari's hand. Then the hand was gone, leaving his aching cock unsatisfied. He whimpered and Ari replied, "Open your eyes. Watch me." What choice was there? Tony let go of his fantasies of Gibbs and watched Ari touch him with expert hands. Hands that had killed and maimed, pleasuring him skillfully.
“That’s my boy,” Ari said, smiling down at Tony as he stroked Tony’s cock. “Watch me … watch me touch you, bring you pleasure.”
Tony watched Ari almost sadly, arching needily into Ari’s hand.
"Beautiful," Haswari murmured. "Such a waste. I would chain you to my bed, not send you running around with your little gun, chasing villains. Gibbs should have realized that it was only a matter of time before one of them caught you, pretty and needy as you are."
Tony tried not to listen, tried to focus on his orgasm, which grew closer with every flick of Ari's wrist.
“Come for me, beautiful boy,” Ari said. “Show me what you look like when you come.” He stroked Tony’s cock expertly, bringing him closer and closer to orgasm.
A few more strokes sent Tony over the edge and he came … crying Gibbs’ name.
Haswari's eyes narrowed, then he laughed. "Your dear Gibbs would be so proud, I'm sure, to hear his name said during a sexual tryst with a wanted terrorist." The man stood from the bed, cleaning himself up but leaving Tony as he was. "I think I understand now, why Gibbs does not want you near. You are a liability. Your emotional needs and sexual appetites make you vulnerable."
Haswari’s words broke Tony’s heart and he started crying softly.
“Shhh,” Ari said. “I won’t let you get hurt again. You’ll be mine … treasured and kept happy.”
Tony wasn't sure how long he lay there with Ari stroking through his hair. He must have fallen asleep, because before one blink he heard Ari bestowing false comfort on him, then after the blink he could have sworn he heard Kate saying, "Tony! Tony, wake up! GIBBS, I'VE FOUND HIM! HURRY!" Then quieter, "He's in a bad way and look at him... do you think Ari...?"
A lower voice replied. One that Tony instantly recognized.
“Tony,” Gibbs said, shaking Tony a bit.
Tony pried his eyes open slowly. He thought he saw McGee and Kate with Ari in cuffs, and maybe Ducky. But there was Gibbs, sitting in front of him … He blinked back tears. “Not real … not coming for me,” he whispered.
Gibbs frowned. "What are you talking about, DiNozzo?"
"Jethro, easy," murmured Ducky's voice from somewhere. "He's still confused and under the influence. Not to mention traumatized, the poor boy. Be gentle with him."
Gibbs rubbed his face and looked down at Tony. “What makes you think we wouldn’t come for you, DiNozzo,” he asked gently.
Tony blinked at Gibbs. “’ve been gone two weeks, Boss,” he said. “You stopped lookin’ for me.”
“No Tony,” Gibbs said, helping Ducky cover Tony with a soft blanket. “You’ve only been gone five days … we never stopped looking for you.”
Tony shook his head, making the world tilt horribly. "No, no, Ari said... he said you... you didn't want me anymore."
"That bastard's done a real number on him, Gibbs," Ducky said, his face twisted into a rare scowl saved for the truly horrible crimes. "Dosed him up and lied to him and..." he trailed off, unwilling to verbalize the rest.
“Tony, look at me,” Gibbs said, waiting for Tony’s green eyes to meet his. “Ari lied to you, Tony. He drugged you and told you lies … “
“Jethro, we need to move him somewhere more comfortable,” Ducky said. “He needs to be examined.”
Gibbs nodded and gently lifted Tony into his arms. “Everything is going to be okay, Tony,” Gibbs said softly.
Gibbs refused assistance and took Tony back to the Navy Yard in his own car. If they found any real cause for concern they would take him to Bethesda, but for now Tony would probably appreciate a more familiar environment. Kate and McGee were staying in constant contact so that Gibbs knew Ari hadn't pulled a fast one on them. He was a slippery bastard, that was for sure. In the front passenger seat, Tony was curled into a ball of blanket.
“Oh Tony,” Gibbs said, gently touching Tony’s hair. “What did he do to you?”
Tony whimpered a bit, clutching his stomach as the drugs worked their way out of his system.
Gibbs hated to wake Tony up, but he knew Tony would want a shower and some clean clothes. “Come on, Tony,” he said gently. “Time to get up.”
Tony whimpered and curled up away from Gibbs. It was starting to make sense now. He was hazy on the details, but it went something like this: Ari had kidnapped him to annoy Gibbs. He had suffered what amounted to a mild emotional episode, and had let Ari Haswari fuck him like a whore. Now the team were all concerned because they had been working hard to find him while he was spreading his legs and how the HELL was he supposed to look them in the eye?
“Tony,” Gibbs said. “Come on, Tony. Time to get up.” He was worried about his senior agent. What had Ari done to Tony?
Tony whimpered again and shifted away from Gibbs. “No,” he whispered. “Don’t wanna.”
“DiNozzo,” Gibbs said. “This is not up for discussion.”
When Tony looked up an inch from his huddled position, it was just so that he could shake his head. "No, no, no," he said, almost pleaded. "I'm..." he blinked a few times as if trying to wake up. "...not going anywhere."
"Tony," Gibbs said, trying a softer tone. "You're still suffering the effects of whatever Haswari gave you. We need to get you somewhere safe and comfortable and flush it out of your system."
“Safe and comfortable here,” Tony mumbled.
“Shit,” Gibbs said, pulling out his cell phone. “Ducky, he can’t do this … no I’m going to take him back to my place … I promise to call if anything changes … Right, plenty of fluids … Thank you, Ducky.”
"He's still going to come round and check on you," Gibbs said firmly as he snapped the phone shut. "No getting out of that. But you'll have a little while to prepare yourself." In no time at all it seemed they were pulling up in front of Gibbs'. "Tell me you'll get out here," Gibbs said. "I'll carry you in, otherwise." Tony shifted away again, but this time Gibbs snatched at the blanket. "You're bleeding," he said sharply. Tony realized foggily that there was a blood smear on the blanket.
“I’ll … I’ll get out,” Tony whispered softly, his eyes downcast.
“Okay,” Gibbs said. “Wait there and I’ll come around to help you.”
Gibbs was holding him up. Supporting him. He didn't know what Tony had done. Tony wondered if Gibbs would drop him, if he told him that he had spread his legs for their team's nemesis. He could imagine the look of disappointment and disgust on Gibbs' face. No, he couldn't face that yet. He would have to hold off on telling Gibbs about it for now. He'd just keep quiet, keep to himself, not let Gibbs see where the blood was coming from.
“Come on, Tony,” Gibbs murmured, rubbing Tony’s shoulder as they walked. “Let’s get you inside … maybe a shower?” He was worried. Tony was quiet. Too quiet. His mind went places … dark places. Did Ari … ?
"I don't want... Let go of me!" Tony pulled away, almost falling, then stood there swaying slightly. He couldn't take a shower because then Gibbs would see the bruises on his hips and the blood on his thighs. And the bastard kept touching him! He never normally touched him! But no, now that Tony had convinced himself that he didn't deserve the gentle touch of Gibbs' strong hands, the former Marine decided to touch him constantly.
“Tony,” Gibbs said, placing a gentle hand on Tony’s arm. “Okay … the shower can wait a while. How about some coffee?” Tony’s behavior worried Gibbs … what had happened to his senior agent?
“C-c-coffee?” Tony said. “I … coffee I can do.”
He followed Gibbs inside, hoping the coffee could warm him enough to stop the shivers that had troubled him since leaving... Ari's... hide-out. He sat at the table, wincing slightly at the hard chair, then waited for his coffee in silence. The steamy liquid was placed before him and he picked it up, taking a sip. The feel of liquid hitting his tongue was all it took to plunge him back into hours ago, with Haswari pouring water into his mouth, pretending to care.
Gibbs heard the cup crash and turned to see Tony staring into space, trembling. “Fuck,” he gasped. “Tony? Tony, come on … “ He sat down next to Tony and took the man’s hands in his. “Come back to me, Tony … “
Tony had no control over the tears, which was mortifying. He didn't even feel miserable as much as numb, and he *never* cried. But he could feel the drops pouring down his cheeks just as he could feel Gibbs' hands holding his. He snatched his hands away. He had control over that, at least. He tried to huddle into a ball on the chair. It was difficult to pull his legs up, but he managed.
“Shit,” Gibbs whispered, suddenly wishing he could drive over to NCIS and wrap his hands around Ari’s neck. He crouched down on the floor next to Tony. After a few moments of indecision, he leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to Tony’s hair. “Shh … shhh Tony … its’ going to be okay … “
The gentle kiss startled Tony out of his confused grief. He turned a wide-eyed stared onto Gibbs. "Did you just..." Then he shook his head. "No. No..." He was imagining it. Gibbs had never kissed him before, why would he now after Tony had slept with Ari Haswari... No wait, Gibbs didn't know that, did he? Unless he was trying to lull Tony into a false sense of security to make him admit it...
“I did,” Gibbs said as he kissed Tony’s forehead. “And I just did it again.” He took Tony’s hands back in his, running his thumbs across the backs of Tony’s hands. “Tony, listen to me, okay? Ari is never, *never* going to touch you again.”
Tony wasn't quite sure what to think about that. Because while Gibbs' gentle touch felt wonderful, it also made his skin crawl because it would go as soon as Gibbs found out what Tony had done. And everyone would look at him with such disgust. What if... horribly, Ari Haswari became the only person who *wanted* to touch him? No, no, he didn't want Ari. Didn't want that. God, he was losing his mind going over all this.
“So, coffee wasn’t such a good idea,” Gibbs murmured. “So, how about that shower, huh?”
Tony whimpered a bit and shook his head. “Nuh-uh,” he said. “No … no shower.”
“Tony,” Gibbs said softly. “You need a shower, Tony.”
"No," Tony shook his head more frantically. "You can't make me. I'll fight you if I have to." Yeah, then Gibbs would win, wouldn't he? Gibbs would never have been caught by Ari like that. If he had been somehow, then he wouldn't have given into temptation like Tony. Hell, Gibbs wouldn't have even been tempted. It was just Tony, with his needy body and twisted mind.
“Tony,” Gibbs said, a bit sternly. “You need a shower.”
“No,” Tony said. “Can’t let you - “
“Can’t let me what?” Gibbs asked. “Tony … I don’t care about anything that happened with Ari … I just care that I have you back … “
"No, no, no," Tony pointed a shaking finger at him. "You're just saying that. I know you are. Just saying what I want to hear." He knew what he wanted to say, but it was all coming out wrong and making him sound like a crazy person. It was like he was watching himself from the outside, witnessing his own hysteria. Gibbs was trying to help, probably, but Tony couldn't let him near. Too much to lose.
“Tony,” Gibbs said. “When have I *ever* said what you want to hear?”
“Um … “ Tony said. He honestly couldn’t think of a time, but hey, there was a first time for everything.
And then, for some god damn unknown reason, he was crying again. Gibbs was saying he cared, had kissed him on the forehead, and Tony couldn't appreciate it properly because he knew it was all based on a lie. Everyone was so worried about poor abused Tony. They didn't know he had drunk from Ari's hands, didn't know he had doubted them all. Didn't know how eagerly he had arched into Ari's grip.
Gibbs pulled a chair next to Tony, and maneuvered the young man into his lap. “Shhhh Tony … it’s okay … “ He wrapped his arms around Tony and held him tight.
"You shouldn't hug me," Tony said in a voice that was half-sob, half-whisper. But he was too tired to pull away this time, so he just expressed his concerns to the skin of Gibbs' neck. "You shouldn't touch me."
"Why not?" Gibbs asked softly, still holding him in a safe and strong embrace. "What did that son of a bitch do to you, Tony?"
Tony started sobbing, his body shaking with the force of his cries. He rested his head on Gibbs’ shoulder and just cried. “Can’t touch me … don’t touch me … “
“Shhh … nothing that bastard did matters to me, Tony,” Gibbs whispered.
"You don't get it!" Tony cried, "It wasn't him, it was me! It was all my fault! I got caught then I was too stupid to escape and I had to wait and Ari just kept on talking and... and the drugs, I don't even know what I was on but at one point I thought the ceiling was talking... then Ari just... he just... and I didn't..." he kept interrupting himself with heaving sobs, but continued to try and explain.
“Shhh … “ Gibbs felt his stomach knot up as Tony’s tears soaked his shirt. “You did nothing wrong.”
“I … I did,” Tony sobbed. “I … got caught … allowed that … *man* to ... ”
"They caught you by surprise, DiNozzo. There was nothing you could have done." He had never seen Tony like this. He'd known his senior field agent through gunfire, plague, loss, beatings and kidnappings, but he had *never* known Tony break down like this. And he knew that Ari had purposely done it just to piss off Gibbs. He had just used Tony as a weapon against Gibbs.
“Could have … could have fought him,” Tony said, sniffing. He snuggled against Gibbs, burying his head in Gibbs’ chest.
Gibbs rubbed Tony’s back gently. “He caught you by surprise,” he said again. “No one blames you at all, Tony … “
"That's only 'cause..." Tony trailed off, as if having second thoughts about what he was saying. Then, head still on Gibbs' shoulder like his skull was too heavy, Tony took a deep, shivering breath and continued. "Because you don't know what I let him do to me."
“Tony,” Gibbs murmured. “I don’t care what happened during the five days you were gone. I just care that you’re here. And that I have you back … I missed you, Tony. Missed hearing your voice and seeing you smile … “
"He said..." Tony stared into the horrible past for a moment. "He said I was your favourite."
DiNozzo sounded so exhausted and his eyes were still damp from tears. He was more fragile and vulnerable than Gibbs had ever seen him, so he couldn't be too angry at himself for finally admitting it. "Well you are."
“What?” Tony asked, lifting tear filled eyes to look at Gibbs. “No … no, you didn’t just say … I’m not … “
“Yeah Tony,” Gibbs whispered. “You are.”
"No, because, you see, Ari was just saying that to taunt me," Tony explained. "Before telling me how you don't love me because I'm needy and...and emotionally vulnerable and..." He was doing it again, losing the words. "Because I love you, boss. And he knew it would hurt me to know that you didn't love me back, make me do stupid things and..." Tony groaned, clutching one hand to his head. "My brain hurts. When will the drugs wear off?"
“Oh Tony,” Gibbs whispered. “Oh my Tony … “
“Not … not yours,” Tony whispered. “You don’t love me … don’t want me … “
“You are mine,” Gibbs said, hugging Tony tight. “Always be mine. You were mine from that first day in Baltimore … with those green eyes and that cocky smile of yours … I loved you from that first moment.”
It should have been the moment that sent his heart soaring. Those words should have made his day at the very least. Years from now he should have been able to point back at the moment as an example of his purest happiness. But it was bitter. Because Gibbs *loved* him, but Tony had instead spread his legs for a man who wanted Gibbs dead. He couldn't breathe for a moment, then the tears came back.
Gibbs felt the tears again. “What, Tony? Tell me what happened,” he murmured. “I promise … nothing you say is going to change how I feel about you right now.”
“You’ll hate me,” Tony whispered.
"It's impossible for me to hate you," Gibbs said seriously. "Please Tony, whatever you're hiding is tearing you apart. Let me help."
It was probably because Gibbs said 'please' that Tony decided to talk. "He... I..." He took a deep breath and tried again. "He fucked me. I let him fuck me." He didn't look at Gibbs' face.
The words made Gibbs’ stomach knot and the urge to strangle Ari with his bare hands came back full force. “Tony, listen to me very carefully, okay?” he murmured.
Tony raised his head, looked at Gibbs and braced himself for the rejection to come.
"When we found you, you barely recognized us due to all the chemical crap Ari put in your system. You're not quite over it even now. Do you remember it?" Tony nodded. "Vividly?" Gibbs asked.
"Not...very clear," Tony mumbled. It was just vague flashes of unwanted sensation. Images of Ari touching him.
“Then nothing, *nothing* that happened was your fault,” Gibbs whispered. “He had you so gone on drugs so that you couldn’t fight back … “
“I … I didn’t want him to, Gibbs,” Tony whispered in a child like tone.
"Sssh, I know, I know," Gibbs soothed, holding Tony tightly again and putting his rage at Ari on hold. Death wasn't going to be enough for that bastard, Gibbs was going to have to thoroughly wipe that smug grin off of his face first. Hurting him through Tony would be the last mistake that fucker made. "We should get you into the shower," Gibbs said gently. "You'll feel better for it."
“Don’t … I don’t want you to see,” Tony murmured.
“You’re always going to be gorgeous to me,” Gibbs whispered. “Come on … a hot shower will feel good.”
Tony let Gibbs assist him in standing, then followed the older man upstairs. He felt a bit like a balloon, floating around Gibbs' house and liable to float away completely if Gibbs didn't hold onto his hand and pull him along. "Think my brain's shut down," he mumbled.
"You're on drugs and in shock, DiNozzo. It's really not surprising."
“Feel funny,” Tony mumbled, leaning against the bathroom wall. He watched Gibbs get the shower started and saw steam slowly fill the bathroom.
“Can you hand me the blanket, Tony?” Gibbs asked softly. “You need to hand me the blanket so you can get in the shower.”
Tony didn’t know when his eyes had closed, but when he opened them, he came face to face with Gibbs’ bright blue eyes staring at him.
He had been holding the blanket closed with one hand, so it was easy to just let it go, let the warm cover fall to the floor. Gibbs' eyes followed it, fixed on it. Narrowed at it. "Tony, let me check you over for a second." Gibbs moved around him, scowling at the bruises on Tony's hips and the lovebites on his neck. Soon he was stood behind him and Tony heard a shuddering breath. "Oh Tony, sweetheart. There's no way you consented to that."
Tony lowered his head, cheeks red with embarrassment. “I … I didn’t want him to,” he whispered.
“I know, baby,” Gibbs said, pressing a kiss to Tony’s lower back. “Come on … a shower will feel good.” He quickly stripped down himself and gently helped Tony under the hot spray.
Tony shuddered as the heat of the water hit his body. Gibbs was holding him barely, his fingers ghosting over Tony's hips. But then, Tony would have jumped out of this fucking body if he could, why would Gibbs want to put his hands on him. Words were easy, but touching something that had been spoiled by your worst enemy...
“That’s it,” Gibbs murmured, moving Tony so he was directly under the water. “Let it go, Tony … let it all go … I’m here, okay? I’m here and I’m not going to let anyone hurt you … “
Tony heard Gibbs’ words, tried to make sense of them. He didn’t understand how Gibbs could stand to be near him after what Haswari did.
A few moments later and something soft was rubbing down his back. Felt like a washcloth. It caressed his skin and rinsed away the accumulated grime and dirt of the past few days. It felt nice, but all the same Tony felt as though he couldn't bear the gentle touches of the man he admired and desired most in the world. He wanted to crawl into a hole alone and stay there.
“Why …” Tony whispered.
“Why what, sweetheart?” Gibbs murmured as he gently washed the dirt and sweat and blood from Tony’s bruised body.
“Why are you being so nice?” Tony murmured.
Gibbs sighed and pulled Tony close. “Because … you deserve to be loved and cherished, Tony,” he murmured.
Tony shivered and shook his head. Ari Haswari had said the same thing in his mean, mocking voice. It wasn't true. It was just something for people to say to spread his legs. Like 'open sesame'. And even though he knew the truth he would still let himself be fooled, because he was needy. Just like Ari had said.
“I’m sorry, Tony,” Gibbs whispered.
"No." Tony backed away, the spray of the shower falling between them. "You don't apologize for this. This isn't your fault. It's mine." He could handle fucking up. He did it all the time. But Gibbs was infallible. He didn't make mistakes and if this was Gibbs' fault, if he had caused this, then Tony would never forgive him. He'd much rather never forgive himself.
“No,” Gibbs murmured, pulling Tony close. “It’s not your fault, Tony. It’s not mine either … it just happened. But … you listen to me, Tony. It. Is not. Your fault.”
Tony fought Gibbs’ embrace. “No … no … this isn’t right … “
Gibbs shook him a little and after his recent trauma, the slight physical aggression was enough to make Tony freeze. "Tony, look at me." He didn't, just stared down at the water around their toes. "Agent DiNozzo!"
"Yes boss." He was staring into those steely blue eyes before he'd even thought about it.
“Listen to me,” Gibbs said. “This is not your fault. And I’m going to take care of you.” He rubbed Tony’s back, trying to soothe the young man. “Just let me take care of you … “
Tony was grateful for the shower spraying them both, because it meant his tears were disguised by water droplets and washed away with the rest. "I can't," he said, trying to explain. "I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I don't deserve this! I didn't try hard enough to fight him. You or Kate or, hell, even McGee... none of you would have just taken it like I did. I'm pathetic."
“You are not,” Gibbs said. “You are not pathetic. You were drugged and held against your will.” He reached up and ran his hands through Tony’s hair, pushing the wet strands out of Tony’s face. “No one will look at you any different, or they’ll have me to deal with.”
Tony groaned, one step away from stamping his foot like a child. "Then how come I can't imagine anyone but me in that situation?! Why did Ari even pick me? Newsflash boss: he thought I'd be *easy*. And he was fucking right, wasn't he?! He knew I'd be the one to let you down, show up your team. He just looked at me and knew."
“You’re not easy,” Gibbs said, rubbing Tony’s back. “He knew … he picked you because he knew. How I feel about you … “
"What do you mean?" Tony asked, confused.
Gibbs swallowed, looking nervous. "Let me finish cleaning you up then we'll have a talk about it."
"I'm clean," Tony said, eager to hear what Gibbs had to say.
"Not... everywhere," Gibbs said awkwardly.
Tony blushed bright red and looked down at the floor. “Oh,” he whispered.
“Just relax,” Gibbs murmured as he gently turned Tony around and loaded the washcloth up with body wash.
It wasn't difficult to let Gibbs do what he had to do. It should have been. Tony had dealt with enough rape cases, read enough psychological studies of the aftermath. He knew how traumatic it was. Knew first-hand now. But it shouldn't have been so easy to relax, to hold still while Gibbs prodded a very sore part of his anatomy.
Gibbs was quick and efficient, wasting no time. “Finished,” he murmured, squeezing Tony’s shoulders. “Ducky’s … he’s going to need to look at you, Tony.”
Tony flinched a bit and nodded. “I know,” he whispered.
“Come on,” Gibbs said, turning off the water. “We’ll dry off and I’ll help you lay down.”
"I don't need help," Tony muttered.
"Okay," Gibbs said easily. "I'll just wait over here then."
As Tony climbed out (wincing from the sharp pain inside), Gibbs stood a little way away. Close enough to catch him if he fell.
Tony fought waves of nausea as he reached for a towel, rubbing his hair before wrapping it around his waist. “See? I don’t need - “ He cut himself off as fresh waves of pain wracked his body and he nearly fell over.
Gibbs was right there, an arm around Tony’s shoulders. “Come on,” he murmured softly. “Let’s get you to bed.”
"You know," Tony tried to become his flippant self again. "It would have been less embarrassing if he'd just killed me."
A hand thwacked the back of his head before resuming it's place around his shoulders. "Don't," Gibbs said firmly, looking deadly serious.
“Right, Boss,” Tony said softly, allowing Gibbs to lead him into the master bedroom. He clutched the bedpost and watched as Gibbs laid large towels on the bed, and a heating pad.
“In you go,” Gibbs murmured, helping Tony into bed and onto his stomach. He turned the heating pad on high, and set it on the young man’s lower back “Just relax … “
Impossible. Tony wasn't sure why it was so difficult when it had been so easy in the shower, but here on the bed he was tense like a coiled spring. He didn't want to go to sleep. He didn't even like laying on his stomach, it was making him feel sick. He wanted to be able to see the room and the people in the room.
“Shhh,” Gibbs said, rubbing Tony’s back. “It’s just you and me, okay? I’m going to call Ducky and have him look at you, but I’ll stay right here the whole time … “
“Don’t … don’t want anyone seeing me like this,” Tony whispered.
“Oh Tony,” Gibbs said, leaning down and kissing Tony’s hair.
"I need to sit up," he blurted suddenly, pushing himself up and over into a sitting position. It hurt like hell but he thought he'd kept the pain from showing on his face. He just couldn't lay there, like he was fucking waiting for Haswari to come back for seconds.
“That’s probably not the best position … “ Gibbs sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. “I’m going to call Ducky, okay?”
Tony sighed and nodded. “I guess there’s no talking you out of it?” he asked.
“No,” Gibbs said. “You can’t talk me out of it. I need to make sure you’re okay … “
"I'm fine!" Tony shouted. "If it hurts I'll go to hospital. I think... I think I'm gonna go home now."
Gibbs regarded him coolly then raised an eyebrow. "Want a lift?"
"No! I'm gonna..." he didn't have his car. Fuck fuck fuck. "I'm..." To add embarrassment to horror, he burst into tears moments after shouting at his boss.
Gibbs crawled onto the bed and pulled Tony into his arms. “Shh … it’s okay … let it go, Tony,” he whispered. “I’ve got you … I’ve got you.”
Tony wasn't a weepy guy. He tended to be the only dry eye at a funeral. He was able to step back from it all, look at the tragedy from a distance where it couldn't hurt him. But in Gibbs' arms, the only place he could envision being *completely* safe, he had been given permission to fall apart. So he did, sobbing brokenly into the strong man's shoulder.
“That’s it, Tony,” Gibbs said. “That’s my Tony … it’s okay … I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”
Tony continued to sob, clinging to Gibbs’ warm skin as the tears flowed freely. Suddenly, in Gibbs’ arms, Tony felt as though maybe … maybe everything was going to be okay.
"He's never gonna get near you, Tony. I promise," Gibbs was murmuring, determination in his voice. "And I'll do everything I can to make you feel right again. That bastard had no right to do this to you, no right to make you think... damn it, Tony, this wasn't your fault."
The kiss on the forehead sold him and Tony managed a slight smile when he looked up through the tears at his boss. "I know."
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Ari/Tony, DiNozzo/Gibbs
Genre: First Time, Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Tony is kidnapped by Ari Haswari and the team has to race to find him ... and then deal with the consequences ... co-authored with
Warning: Non-Con
Disclaimer:We don’t own the characters of NCIS ...
He probably hadn't been there long. Just his perception of time altered by all the bad stuff. The bad stuff including, but not limited to: blindfolds, gags, tied wrists, occasional beatings from thugs, occasional visits from Ari Haswari, and so many drugs that Tony would have feared for his liver had he not been swimming in a psychedelic dream world most of the time.
“Tony, Tony, Tony,” Ari said.
Tony cringed away from the voice. He couldn’t see, couldn’t move, but they hadn’t plugged his ears, forcing him to listen to the sickly sweet tone of Ari’s voice. He felt Ari’s hand in his hair and cringed even more. He couldn’t get away from the man’s touch.
"I can see why Gibbs keeps you," the man purred. "I had originally planned to hurt him through his women. I would begin by shooting Caitlin, then Abigail, then slowly move through his female acquaintances, watching him lose everything. I am so glad I decided to observe him a little closer, otherwise I might have missed out on the chance to break his heart by breaking his most faithful and obedient pet."
Tony hmphed through the gag, struggling against the bindings. Ari’s thugs had caught unaware as he’d left work. A good smack to the head (as usual) had knocked him out and when he’d woken up he was tied up, blindfolded and gagged.
"Sssh, don't struggle so," Ari said, as though he cared, "You could hurt yourself. If you desire freedom so much I can cater to your whim in some small measure. Here." Tony felt Ari's hands slide over his arms. He didn't like it, he felt too hot to be touched, especially by a bastard like Haswari. Then suddenly, his wrists were free. The shock of it sent him falling forward, but he was caught and lowered down gently.
Tony felt himself being placed on a bed. He could tell the sheets were high quality, Egyptian cotton. He had to admit that they felt nice against his skin … his almost bare skin.
A hand brushed his forehead. "You feel warm. I will fetch you some water." Tony didn't protest, though he doubted Ari had his best interests at heart. Some moments later, a cool glass pressed against his lips. "Drink. It will make you feel so much better." Tony was so thirsty that he complied, the refreshing cold water feeling heavenly on his tongue and down his dry throat.
“That’s good,” Ari said, petting Tony’s hair. “Very good. Drink it till it’s gone … that’s it … “
Tony hated feeling like he was relying on Ari. He hated feeling so helpless. He silently wondered how much effort was being put into finding him, considering how much of a pain he knew he could be.
Soon the liquid became a trickle, then even that dried up. The glass was taken away, Tony heard it 'clink' somewhere. It was irritating that he couldn't even pinpoint the direction of sounds now, the drugs addling him to the point that his head was spinning. "Good boy," Ari praised, his hand returning to stroke through Tony's hair almost lovingly. "You are a very good boy."
“Sc-screeew ‘oo,” Tony managed to croak out.
“Such language,” Ari admonished. “And you were being so good … “
Tony felt the weight on the bed shift. Ari was moving away. "I do so hate having to utilize drugs to keep your temper in check, Agent DiNozzo, but if I continued to hand you over to my men for beatings each time you were insolent, you would be a battered corpse by now. Although I'm sure that could serve as a lesson to Jethro, I have planned for a more subtle revenge. Something to attack his pride.”
Tony’s tongue felt like it was coated in cotton. He tried to reply, to make a snaky comment, but his mouth just wouldn’t cooperate.
“I watched him for a while, you know,” Ari said conversationally as he walked around the bed. “Watched who he interacted with and how. And I have to say, his relationship with you is most interesting.”
Tony felt a stab of mild pain in his arm, but Ari continued to talk as though this were normal. By this point it was, for them. "You are his, are you not? In spirit and mind if not in body. But I think that you would quite like the full trilogy." His hand trailed down Tony's chest and it left a tingling path. Behind the blindfold, Tony tried to blink away the sudden pressure in his head. What had the bastard dosed him with now?
“Wha’ ‘id ‘oo giv’ ‘e?” Tony mumbled, frowning under the blindfold. “Don’ feel … “
Ari chuckled and continued to touch Tony’s skin, his hands sliding down to the waistband of Tony’s pants. “Just a little something to … help things along,” he murmured.
Tony felt the mattress sink beside him, then fingers were tugging his blindfold away. The world was blurrier than he remembered. "There," Haswari said with a slight smile, "Now I can see the eyes that fill with awe whenever Jethro Gibbs takes a breath." He stroked Tony's cheek tenderly, fingers snagging the gag. "Let's be rid of this too, so I might get answers to the questions I'm going to ask."
Tony stared with wide eyes at Ari. He had to admit, if they’d met under different circumstances, if Ari wasn’t a terrorist bent on destroying Gibbs, he may have been interested. “Gibbs’ gonna kill you,” he mumbled. “Stole a federal agent …“
"I did more than that," Ari said with a grin. "I kidnapped his favourite federal agent."
Tony laughed, but it was more like a sharp sigh. "Not his fav'rite."
Haswari's eyebrows furrowed in a frown. "No? But you worship the ground he walks on. You try so hard."
“’m a good agent,” Tony mumbled.
“You are a very good agent,” Haswari agreed. “Because you work hard to please Agent Gibbs. You look up to him … “
“e’s a good man,” Tony said.
"Not to you," Ari said softly, his hand now trailing up and down Tony's thigh, leaving that tingly feeling wherever it went. "It is clear that he does not know how to treat you. He is like a king, brave and kind, but kicks his most faithful hound, who *still* returns to hump his leg. I find it most tragic to watch. You lay here, defending him, when you have been my helpless captive for over two weeks with no sign of your hero."
Two weeks? Had he really been there for two weeks? Tony had no way of knowing how much time had passed. Even if he wasn’t blindfolded, the room he was in had no windows, no way to account for the passing of time. Had Gibbs given up on him? No, Tony refused to think like that. Haswari probably just had him someplace remote and Gibbs was just trying to find a way to get there.
"If I had someone nearly as loyal to me, I would keep them protected. It does Gibbs no credit that I have taken you from him so easily. Perhaps... he doesn't see the same qualities in you that I do?"
"He doesn't love me..." Tony mumbled, only wondering afterwards why the fuck those words had slipped out.
Tony didn’t see the look of victory that crossed Ari’s face. “That’s right, Tony,” he said. “He doesn’t love you … he just keeps you around because you’re … loyal.” He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to Tony’s neck.
Tony shuddered at the touch, trying to flinch away, but finding his body unresponsive.
"If he loved you, you would not be stuck here with me. You would be with him. Instead it is up to me to show you how precious you are." A hand cupped between his legs lightly and the sensation made Tony press up into the touch. He knew he shouldn't have, but it felt so good. And all the while Ari was whispering things into his ear. "I left plenty of clues. I can't understand why Gibbs has left you with me."
Tony blinked back tears. Had Gibbs left him to the mercy of Ari Haswari? Gibbs hated Ari, did that mean he hated Tony? Sure, Tony knew he could be a pain sometimes, but …
Ari smiled and ran his free hand over Tony’s chest, flicking Tony’s nipples. “You are beautiful, Tony,” Ari murmured. “Did you know that? Your skin is this beautiful gold color and your hair is so soft … “
Ari started to ease Tony's pants down his legs, placing gentle kisses on his quivering skin. He followed the fabric with his mouth, even as far as swiping his tongue over Tony's knees, eliciting a shiver from his captive. "You are truly worthy of attention, Tony DiNozzo," he murmured to the drugged man. "I am sorry that you cannot have it from the one you desire."
“Don’ wan’ you,” Tony mumbled, trying to evade Ari’s mouth, even though he couldn’t deny how good it felt.
"Now, now," Ari scolded teasingly, "We both know that is not true. After all, you are Anthony DiNozzo, you bed anything with a pulse. Gibbs is not the only one I have observed, you know. I thoroughly enjoyed keeping an eye on you, Tony. Does Gibbs know what you get up to on your free evenings?"
Tony shook his head, a move which made him feel dizzy, despite the fact that he was still just laying down.
“Ah, then you are very good at hiding yourself from your boss,” Ari murmured, pressing a few kisses to Tony’s hipbone. “I bet I can help you out … make you feel good.”
“No,” Tony whimpered. “Leave me alone … let me go.”
"That is not going to happen. I have worked too hard to have you here, much harder than Gibbs has worked to find you. But then..." Ari dropped Tony's trousers and boxers to the floor, "why should he hurry? He has Caitlin and Agent McGee, Miss Sciuto, Doctor Mallard... Is your contribution of shameless hero-worship truly necessary to the work of NCIS?"
“I do work … I’m a good agent,” Tony whimpered.
“Shhh, I know you are,” Ari said, wrapping a hand around Tony’s cock. “Gibbs doesn’t see it … I see it. I want you, Tony. Gibbs doesn’t - I do.”
It was so much to fit into his brain. He trusted Gibbs, he did, but why wasn't he here? Tony didn't know. He didn't know why it had to be him being kidnapped, didn't know why Gibbs hadn't found him. Didn't know why Gibbs couldn't love him. But the hand slowly sliding up and down his cock reminded him that there was one thing he knew upside down and through and through. Sex. His favorite drug.
“That’s it, Tony,” Ari said. “Be a good boy … “
Tony whimpered and arched into Ari’s touch, even though it shamed him to want something so intimate from him.
"You are such a responsive, tactile creature, Tony," Ari said with approval. "Craving stimulation from even the most unwelcome of acquaintances. I find it shockingly attractive in a bed partner." As he spoke, Ari had slid a finger underneath Tony to massage his hole. "Would you let me make love to you, Agent DiNozzo? I would sate that gnawing urge for attention and compassion that you have inside.”
Tony felt the tears streaming down his cheeks, filled with shame. How could he allow this man to do this to him? But … oh, it felt so good … He whined a bit and arched against Ari.
Ari's composure weakened enough for a groan to escape the man's lips. "I can't understand how Gibbs abstains from you, but I will make him regret it." Then Ari drove into him, making Tony cry out with the sharp pain. But the pain soon faded, replaced with that damn tingling sensation again, this time multiplied by a hundred, and Tony found himself moaning at his own violation.
“Oh Tony,” Ari said as he thrust. “So beautiful … and all mine now. They’ll never get you back … you’ll always be mine.”
The words ran together, became a buzz in the back of Tony’s brain as he gave himself over to the sensations. He closed his eyes and pretended that it was Gibbs thrusting into him, Gibbs touching him.
Though his whole body was alight with pleasure, Tony was too weak to actively participate. He could only lay there while he was fucked, eyes scrunched shut as he pictured blue eyes and silver hair and a firm, Marine body. Gibbs. His Gibbs, finding him, saving him, fucking him, taking him to heaven and back, caring for him, like a reward because Tony was a good boy, tried so hard....
Ari thrust a few more times before he came hard inside Tony. He noticed Tony’s tightly closed eyes and shook his head, slipping a hand down to Tony’s cock and stroking him. “Oh Tony,” Ari said. “Why are you fighting this? Give yourself to me and I will make it so good for you … “
Tony jerked at the new stimulation, his drugged body trying its damned best to fuck Haswari's hand. Then the hand was gone, leaving his aching cock unsatisfied. He whimpered and Ari replied, "Open your eyes. Watch me." What choice was there? Tony let go of his fantasies of Gibbs and watched Ari touch him with expert hands. Hands that had killed and maimed, pleasuring him skillfully.
“That’s my boy,” Ari said, smiling down at Tony as he stroked Tony’s cock. “Watch me … watch me touch you, bring you pleasure.”
Tony watched Ari almost sadly, arching needily into Ari’s hand.
"Beautiful," Haswari murmured. "Such a waste. I would chain you to my bed, not send you running around with your little gun, chasing villains. Gibbs should have realized that it was only a matter of time before one of them caught you, pretty and needy as you are."
Tony tried not to listen, tried to focus on his orgasm, which grew closer with every flick of Ari's wrist.
“Come for me, beautiful boy,” Ari said. “Show me what you look like when you come.” He stroked Tony’s cock expertly, bringing him closer and closer to orgasm.
A few more strokes sent Tony over the edge and he came … crying Gibbs’ name.
Haswari's eyes narrowed, then he laughed. "Your dear Gibbs would be so proud, I'm sure, to hear his name said during a sexual tryst with a wanted terrorist." The man stood from the bed, cleaning himself up but leaving Tony as he was. "I think I understand now, why Gibbs does not want you near. You are a liability. Your emotional needs and sexual appetites make you vulnerable."
Haswari’s words broke Tony’s heart and he started crying softly.
“Shhh,” Ari said. “I won’t let you get hurt again. You’ll be mine … treasured and kept happy.”
Tony wasn't sure how long he lay there with Ari stroking through his hair. He must have fallen asleep, because before one blink he heard Ari bestowing false comfort on him, then after the blink he could have sworn he heard Kate saying, "Tony! Tony, wake up! GIBBS, I'VE FOUND HIM! HURRY!" Then quieter, "He's in a bad way and look at him... do you think Ari...?"
A lower voice replied. One that Tony instantly recognized.
“Tony,” Gibbs said, shaking Tony a bit.
Tony pried his eyes open slowly. He thought he saw McGee and Kate with Ari in cuffs, and maybe Ducky. But there was Gibbs, sitting in front of him … He blinked back tears. “Not real … not coming for me,” he whispered.
Gibbs frowned. "What are you talking about, DiNozzo?"
"Jethro, easy," murmured Ducky's voice from somewhere. "He's still confused and under the influence. Not to mention traumatized, the poor boy. Be gentle with him."
Gibbs rubbed his face and looked down at Tony. “What makes you think we wouldn’t come for you, DiNozzo,” he asked gently.
Tony blinked at Gibbs. “’ve been gone two weeks, Boss,” he said. “You stopped lookin’ for me.”
“No Tony,” Gibbs said, helping Ducky cover Tony with a soft blanket. “You’ve only been gone five days … we never stopped looking for you.”
Tony shook his head, making the world tilt horribly. "No, no, Ari said... he said you... you didn't want me anymore."
"That bastard's done a real number on him, Gibbs," Ducky said, his face twisted into a rare scowl saved for the truly horrible crimes. "Dosed him up and lied to him and..." he trailed off, unwilling to verbalize the rest.
“Tony, look at me,” Gibbs said, waiting for Tony’s green eyes to meet his. “Ari lied to you, Tony. He drugged you and told you lies … “
“Jethro, we need to move him somewhere more comfortable,” Ducky said. “He needs to be examined.”
Gibbs nodded and gently lifted Tony into his arms. “Everything is going to be okay, Tony,” Gibbs said softly.
Gibbs refused assistance and took Tony back to the Navy Yard in his own car. If they found any real cause for concern they would take him to Bethesda, but for now Tony would probably appreciate a more familiar environment. Kate and McGee were staying in constant contact so that Gibbs knew Ari hadn't pulled a fast one on them. He was a slippery bastard, that was for sure. In the front passenger seat, Tony was curled into a ball of blanket.
“Oh Tony,” Gibbs said, gently touching Tony’s hair. “What did he do to you?”
Tony whimpered a bit, clutching his stomach as the drugs worked their way out of his system.
Gibbs hated to wake Tony up, but he knew Tony would want a shower and some clean clothes. “Come on, Tony,” he said gently. “Time to get up.”
Tony whimpered and curled up away from Gibbs. It was starting to make sense now. He was hazy on the details, but it went something like this: Ari had kidnapped him to annoy Gibbs. He had suffered what amounted to a mild emotional episode, and had let Ari Haswari fuck him like a whore. Now the team were all concerned because they had been working hard to find him while he was spreading his legs and how the HELL was he supposed to look them in the eye?
“Tony,” Gibbs said. “Come on, Tony. Time to get up.” He was worried about his senior agent. What had Ari done to Tony?
Tony whimpered again and shifted away from Gibbs. “No,” he whispered. “Don’t wanna.”
“DiNozzo,” Gibbs said. “This is not up for discussion.”
When Tony looked up an inch from his huddled position, it was just so that he could shake his head. "No, no, no," he said, almost pleaded. "I'm..." he blinked a few times as if trying to wake up. "...not going anywhere."
"Tony," Gibbs said, trying a softer tone. "You're still suffering the effects of whatever Haswari gave you. We need to get you somewhere safe and comfortable and flush it out of your system."
“Safe and comfortable here,” Tony mumbled.
“Shit,” Gibbs said, pulling out his cell phone. “Ducky, he can’t do this … no I’m going to take him back to my place … I promise to call if anything changes … Right, plenty of fluids … Thank you, Ducky.”
"He's still going to come round and check on you," Gibbs said firmly as he snapped the phone shut. "No getting out of that. But you'll have a little while to prepare yourself." In no time at all it seemed they were pulling up in front of Gibbs'. "Tell me you'll get out here," Gibbs said. "I'll carry you in, otherwise." Tony shifted away again, but this time Gibbs snatched at the blanket. "You're bleeding," he said sharply. Tony realized foggily that there was a blood smear on the blanket.
“I’ll … I’ll get out,” Tony whispered softly, his eyes downcast.
“Okay,” Gibbs said. “Wait there and I’ll come around to help you.”
Tony nodded mutely, waiting until Gibbs was at the passenger door before attempting to climb out. He started to fall over and began to brace himself for the fall when strong arms caught him under his arms.
Gibbs was holding him up. Supporting him. He didn't know what Tony had done. Tony wondered if Gibbs would drop him, if he told him that he had spread his legs for their team's nemesis. He could imagine the look of disappointment and disgust on Gibbs' face. No, he couldn't face that yet. He would have to hold off on telling Gibbs about it for now. He'd just keep quiet, keep to himself, not let Gibbs see where the blood was coming from.
“Come on, Tony,” Gibbs murmured, rubbing Tony’s shoulder as they walked. “Let’s get you inside … maybe a shower?” He was worried. Tony was quiet. Too quiet. His mind went places … dark places. Did Ari … ?
"I don't want... Let go of me!" Tony pulled away, almost falling, then stood there swaying slightly. He couldn't take a shower because then Gibbs would see the bruises on his hips and the blood on his thighs. And the bastard kept touching him! He never normally touched him! But no, now that Tony had convinced himself that he didn't deserve the gentle touch of Gibbs' strong hands, the former Marine decided to touch him constantly.
“Tony,” Gibbs said, placing a gentle hand on Tony’s arm. “Okay … the shower can wait a while. How about some coffee?” Tony’s behavior worried Gibbs … what had happened to his senior agent?
“C-c-coffee?” Tony said. “I … coffee I can do.”
He followed Gibbs inside, hoping the coffee could warm him enough to stop the shivers that had troubled him since leaving... Ari's... hide-out. He sat at the table, wincing slightly at the hard chair, then waited for his coffee in silence. The steamy liquid was placed before him and he picked it up, taking a sip. The feel of liquid hitting his tongue was all it took to plunge him back into hours ago, with Haswari pouring water into his mouth, pretending to care.
Gibbs heard the cup crash and turned to see Tony staring into space, trembling. “Fuck,” he gasped. “Tony? Tony, come on … “ He sat down next to Tony and took the man’s hands in his. “Come back to me, Tony … “
Tony had no control over the tears, which was mortifying. He didn't even feel miserable as much as numb, and he *never* cried. But he could feel the drops pouring down his cheeks just as he could feel Gibbs' hands holding his. He snatched his hands away. He had control over that, at least. He tried to huddle into a ball on the chair. It was difficult to pull his legs up, but he managed.
“Shit,” Gibbs whispered, suddenly wishing he could drive over to NCIS and wrap his hands around Ari’s neck. He crouched down on the floor next to Tony. After a few moments of indecision, he leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to Tony’s hair. “Shh … shhh Tony … its’ going to be okay … “
The gentle kiss startled Tony out of his confused grief. He turned a wide-eyed stared onto Gibbs. "Did you just..." Then he shook his head. "No. No..." He was imagining it. Gibbs had never kissed him before, why would he now after Tony had slept with Ari Haswari... No wait, Gibbs didn't know that, did he? Unless he was trying to lull Tony into a false sense of security to make him admit it...
“I did,” Gibbs said as he kissed Tony’s forehead. “And I just did it again.” He took Tony’s hands back in his, running his thumbs across the backs of Tony’s hands. “Tony, listen to me, okay? Ari is never, *never* going to touch you again.”
Tony wasn't quite sure what to think about that. Because while Gibbs' gentle touch felt wonderful, it also made his skin crawl because it would go as soon as Gibbs found out what Tony had done. And everyone would look at him with such disgust. What if... horribly, Ari Haswari became the only person who *wanted* to touch him? No, no, he didn't want Ari. Didn't want that. God, he was losing his mind going over all this.
“So, coffee wasn’t such a good idea,” Gibbs murmured. “So, how about that shower, huh?”
Tony whimpered a bit and shook his head. “Nuh-uh,” he said. “No … no shower.”
“Tony,” Gibbs said softly. “You need a shower, Tony.”
"No," Tony shook his head more frantically. "You can't make me. I'll fight you if I have to." Yeah, then Gibbs would win, wouldn't he? Gibbs would never have been caught by Ari like that. If he had been somehow, then he wouldn't have given into temptation like Tony. Hell, Gibbs wouldn't have even been tempted. It was just Tony, with his needy body and twisted mind.
“Tony,” Gibbs said, a bit sternly. “You need a shower.”
“No,” Tony said. “Can’t let you - “
“Can’t let me what?” Gibbs asked. “Tony … I don’t care about anything that happened with Ari … I just care that I have you back … “
"No, no, no," Tony pointed a shaking finger at him. "You're just saying that. I know you are. Just saying what I want to hear." He knew what he wanted to say, but it was all coming out wrong and making him sound like a crazy person. It was like he was watching himself from the outside, witnessing his own hysteria. Gibbs was trying to help, probably, but Tony couldn't let him near. Too much to lose.
“Tony,” Gibbs said. “When have I *ever* said what you want to hear?”
“Um … “ Tony said. He honestly couldn’t think of a time, but hey, there was a first time for everything.
And then, for some god damn unknown reason, he was crying again. Gibbs was saying he cared, had kissed him on the forehead, and Tony couldn't appreciate it properly because he knew it was all based on a lie. Everyone was so worried about poor abused Tony. They didn't know he had drunk from Ari's hands, didn't know he had doubted them all. Didn't know how eagerly he had arched into Ari's grip.
Gibbs pulled a chair next to Tony, and maneuvered the young man into his lap. “Shhhh Tony … it’s okay … “ He wrapped his arms around Tony and held him tight.
"You shouldn't hug me," Tony said in a voice that was half-sob, half-whisper. But he was too tired to pull away this time, so he just expressed his concerns to the skin of Gibbs' neck. "You shouldn't touch me."
"Why not?" Gibbs asked softly, still holding him in a safe and strong embrace. "What did that son of a bitch do to you, Tony?"
Tony started sobbing, his body shaking with the force of his cries. He rested his head on Gibbs’ shoulder and just cried. “Can’t touch me … don’t touch me … “
“Shhh … nothing that bastard did matters to me, Tony,” Gibbs whispered.
"You don't get it!" Tony cried, "It wasn't him, it was me! It was all my fault! I got caught then I was too stupid to escape and I had to wait and Ari just kept on talking and... and the drugs, I don't even know what I was on but at one point I thought the ceiling was talking... then Ari just... he just... and I didn't..." he kept interrupting himself with heaving sobs, but continued to try and explain.
“Shhh … “ Gibbs felt his stomach knot up as Tony’s tears soaked his shirt. “You did nothing wrong.”
“I … I did,” Tony sobbed. “I … got caught … allowed that … *man* to ... ”
"They caught you by surprise, DiNozzo. There was nothing you could have done." He had never seen Tony like this. He'd known his senior field agent through gunfire, plague, loss, beatings and kidnappings, but he had *never* known Tony break down like this. And he knew that Ari had purposely done it just to piss off Gibbs. He had just used Tony as a weapon against Gibbs.
“Could have … could have fought him,” Tony said, sniffing. He snuggled against Gibbs, burying his head in Gibbs’ chest.
Gibbs rubbed Tony’s back gently. “He caught you by surprise,” he said again. “No one blames you at all, Tony … “
"That's only 'cause..." Tony trailed off, as if having second thoughts about what he was saying. Then, head still on Gibbs' shoulder like his skull was too heavy, Tony took a deep, shivering breath and continued. "Because you don't know what I let him do to me."
“Tony,” Gibbs murmured. “I don’t care what happened during the five days you were gone. I just care that you’re here. And that I have you back … I missed you, Tony. Missed hearing your voice and seeing you smile … “
"He said..." Tony stared into the horrible past for a moment. "He said I was your favourite."
DiNozzo sounded so exhausted and his eyes were still damp from tears. He was more fragile and vulnerable than Gibbs had ever seen him, so he couldn't be too angry at himself for finally admitting it. "Well you are."
“What?” Tony asked, lifting tear filled eyes to look at Gibbs. “No … no, you didn’t just say … I’m not … “
“Yeah Tony,” Gibbs whispered. “You are.”
"No, because, you see, Ari was just saying that to taunt me," Tony explained. "Before telling me how you don't love me because I'm needy and...and emotionally vulnerable and..." He was doing it again, losing the words. "Because I love you, boss. And he knew it would hurt me to know that you didn't love me back, make me do stupid things and..." Tony groaned, clutching one hand to his head. "My brain hurts. When will the drugs wear off?"
“Oh Tony,” Gibbs whispered. “Oh my Tony … “
“Not … not yours,” Tony whispered. “You don’t love me … don’t want me … “
“You are mine,” Gibbs said, hugging Tony tight. “Always be mine. You were mine from that first day in Baltimore … with those green eyes and that cocky smile of yours … I loved you from that first moment.”
It should have been the moment that sent his heart soaring. Those words should have made his day at the very least. Years from now he should have been able to point back at the moment as an example of his purest happiness. But it was bitter. Because Gibbs *loved* him, but Tony had instead spread his legs for a man who wanted Gibbs dead. He couldn't breathe for a moment, then the tears came back.
Gibbs felt the tears again. “What, Tony? Tell me what happened,” he murmured. “I promise … nothing you say is going to change how I feel about you right now.”
“You’ll hate me,” Tony whispered.
"It's impossible for me to hate you," Gibbs said seriously. "Please Tony, whatever you're hiding is tearing you apart. Let me help."
It was probably because Gibbs said 'please' that Tony decided to talk. "He... I..." He took a deep breath and tried again. "He fucked me. I let him fuck me." He didn't look at Gibbs' face.
The words made Gibbs’ stomach knot and the urge to strangle Ari with his bare hands came back full force. “Tony, listen to me very carefully, okay?” he murmured.
Tony raised his head, looked at Gibbs and braced himself for the rejection to come.
"When we found you, you barely recognized us due to all the chemical crap Ari put in your system. You're not quite over it even now. Do you remember it?" Tony nodded. "Vividly?" Gibbs asked.
"Not...very clear," Tony mumbled. It was just vague flashes of unwanted sensation. Images of Ari touching him.
“Then nothing, *nothing* that happened was your fault,” Gibbs whispered. “He had you so gone on drugs so that you couldn’t fight back … “
“I … I didn’t want him to, Gibbs,” Tony whispered in a child like tone.
"Sssh, I know, I know," Gibbs soothed, holding Tony tightly again and putting his rage at Ari on hold. Death wasn't going to be enough for that bastard, Gibbs was going to have to thoroughly wipe that smug grin off of his face first. Hurting him through Tony would be the last mistake that fucker made. "We should get you into the shower," Gibbs said gently. "You'll feel better for it."
“Don’t … I don’t want you to see,” Tony murmured.
“You’re always going to be gorgeous to me,” Gibbs whispered. “Come on … a hot shower will feel good.”
Tony let Gibbs assist him in standing, then followed the older man upstairs. He felt a bit like a balloon, floating around Gibbs' house and liable to float away completely if Gibbs didn't hold onto his hand and pull him along. "Think my brain's shut down," he mumbled.
"You're on drugs and in shock, DiNozzo. It's really not surprising."
“Feel funny,” Tony mumbled, leaning against the bathroom wall. He watched Gibbs get the shower started and saw steam slowly fill the bathroom.
“Can you hand me the blanket, Tony?” Gibbs asked softly. “You need to hand me the blanket so you can get in the shower.”
Tony didn’t know when his eyes had closed, but when he opened them, he came face to face with Gibbs’ bright blue eyes staring at him.
He had been holding the blanket closed with one hand, so it was easy to just let it go, let the warm cover fall to the floor. Gibbs' eyes followed it, fixed on it. Narrowed at it. "Tony, let me check you over for a second." Gibbs moved around him, scowling at the bruises on Tony's hips and the lovebites on his neck. Soon he was stood behind him and Tony heard a shuddering breath. "Oh Tony, sweetheart. There's no way you consented to that."
Tony lowered his head, cheeks red with embarrassment. “I … I didn’t want him to,” he whispered.
“I know, baby,” Gibbs said, pressing a kiss to Tony’s lower back. “Come on … a shower will feel good.” He quickly stripped down himself and gently helped Tony under the hot spray.
Tony shuddered as the heat of the water hit his body. Gibbs was holding him barely, his fingers ghosting over Tony's hips. But then, Tony would have jumped out of this fucking body if he could, why would Gibbs want to put his hands on him. Words were easy, but touching something that had been spoiled by your worst enemy...
“That’s it,” Gibbs murmured, moving Tony so he was directly under the water. “Let it go, Tony … let it all go … I’m here, okay? I’m here and I’m not going to let anyone hurt you … “
Tony heard Gibbs’ words, tried to make sense of them. He didn’t understand how Gibbs could stand to be near him after what Haswari did.
A few moments later and something soft was rubbing down his back. Felt like a washcloth. It caressed his skin and rinsed away the accumulated grime and dirt of the past few days. It felt nice, but all the same Tony felt as though he couldn't bear the gentle touches of the man he admired and desired most in the world. He wanted to crawl into a hole alone and stay there.
“Why …” Tony whispered.
“Why what, sweetheart?” Gibbs murmured as he gently washed the dirt and sweat and blood from Tony’s bruised body.
“Why are you being so nice?” Tony murmured.
Gibbs sighed and pulled Tony close. “Because … you deserve to be loved and cherished, Tony,” he murmured.
Tony shivered and shook his head. Ari Haswari had said the same thing in his mean, mocking voice. It wasn't true. It was just something for people to say to spread his legs. Like 'open sesame'. And even though he knew the truth he would still let himself be fooled, because he was needy. Just like Ari had said.
“I’m sorry, Tony,” Gibbs whispered.
Tony tensed and turned towards his boss. “You … did you just?” He couldn’t finish the sentence, much less the thought.
"No." Tony backed away, the spray of the shower falling between them. "You don't apologize for this. This isn't your fault. It's mine." He could handle fucking up. He did it all the time. But Gibbs was infallible. He didn't make mistakes and if this was Gibbs' fault, if he had caused this, then Tony would never forgive him. He'd much rather never forgive himself.
“No,” Gibbs murmured, pulling Tony close. “It’s not your fault, Tony. It’s not mine either … it just happened. But … you listen to me, Tony. It. Is not. Your fault.”
Tony fought Gibbs’ embrace. “No … no … this isn’t right … “
Gibbs shook him a little and after his recent trauma, the slight physical aggression was enough to make Tony freeze. "Tony, look at me." He didn't, just stared down at the water around their toes. "Agent DiNozzo!"
"Yes boss." He was staring into those steely blue eyes before he'd even thought about it.
“Listen to me,” Gibbs said. “This is not your fault. And I’m going to take care of you.” He rubbed Tony’s back, trying to soothe the young man. “Just let me take care of you … “
Tony was grateful for the shower spraying them both, because it meant his tears were disguised by water droplets and washed away with the rest. "I can't," he said, trying to explain. "I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I don't deserve this! I didn't try hard enough to fight him. You or Kate or, hell, even McGee... none of you would have just taken it like I did. I'm pathetic."
“You are not,” Gibbs said. “You are not pathetic. You were drugged and held against your will.” He reached up and ran his hands through Tony’s hair, pushing the wet strands out of Tony’s face. “No one will look at you any different, or they’ll have me to deal with.”
Tony groaned, one step away from stamping his foot like a child. "Then how come I can't imagine anyone but me in that situation?! Why did Ari even pick me? Newsflash boss: he thought I'd be *easy*. And he was fucking right, wasn't he?! He knew I'd be the one to let you down, show up your team. He just looked at me and knew."
“You’re not easy,” Gibbs said, rubbing Tony’s back. “He knew … he picked you because he knew. How I feel about you … “
"What do you mean?" Tony asked, confused.
Gibbs swallowed, looking nervous. "Let me finish cleaning you up then we'll have a talk about it."
"I'm clean," Tony said, eager to hear what Gibbs had to say.
"Not... everywhere," Gibbs said awkwardly.
Tony blushed bright red and looked down at the floor. “Oh,” he whispered.
“Just relax,” Gibbs murmured as he gently turned Tony around and loaded the washcloth up with body wash.
It wasn't difficult to let Gibbs do what he had to do. It should have been. Tony had dealt with enough rape cases, read enough psychological studies of the aftermath. He knew how traumatic it was. Knew first-hand now. But it shouldn't have been so easy to relax, to hold still while Gibbs prodded a very sore part of his anatomy.
Gibbs was quick and efficient, wasting no time. “Finished,” he murmured, squeezing Tony’s shoulders. “Ducky’s … he’s going to need to look at you, Tony.”
Tony flinched a bit and nodded. “I know,” he whispered.
“Come on,” Gibbs said, turning off the water. “We’ll dry off and I’ll help you lay down.”
"I don't need help," Tony muttered.
"Okay," Gibbs said easily. "I'll just wait over here then."
As Tony climbed out (wincing from the sharp pain inside), Gibbs stood a little way away. Close enough to catch him if he fell.
Tony fought waves of nausea as he reached for a towel, rubbing his hair before wrapping it around his waist. “See? I don’t need - “ He cut himself off as fresh waves of pain wracked his body and he nearly fell over.
Gibbs was right there, an arm around Tony’s shoulders. “Come on,” he murmured softly. “Let’s get you to bed.”
"You know," Tony tried to become his flippant self again. "It would have been less embarrassing if he'd just killed me."
A hand thwacked the back of his head before resuming it's place around his shoulders. "Don't," Gibbs said firmly, looking deadly serious.
“Right, Boss,” Tony said softly, allowing Gibbs to lead him into the master bedroom. He clutched the bedpost and watched as Gibbs laid large towels on the bed, and a heating pad.
“In you go,” Gibbs murmured, helping Tony into bed and onto his stomach. He turned the heating pad on high, and set it on the young man’s lower back “Just relax … “
Impossible. Tony wasn't sure why it was so difficult when it had been so easy in the shower, but here on the bed he was tense like a coiled spring. He didn't want to go to sleep. He didn't even like laying on his stomach, it was making him feel sick. He wanted to be able to see the room and the people in the room.
“Shhh,” Gibbs said, rubbing Tony’s back. “It’s just you and me, okay? I’m going to call Ducky and have him look at you, but I’ll stay right here the whole time … “
“Don’t … don’t want anyone seeing me like this,” Tony whispered.
“Oh Tony,” Gibbs said, leaning down and kissing Tony’s hair.
"I need to sit up," he blurted suddenly, pushing himself up and over into a sitting position. It hurt like hell but he thought he'd kept the pain from showing on his face. He just couldn't lay there, like he was fucking waiting for Haswari to come back for seconds.
“That’s probably not the best position … “ Gibbs sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. “I’m going to call Ducky, okay?”
Tony sighed and nodded. “I guess there’s no talking you out of it?” he asked.
“No,” Gibbs said. “You can’t talk me out of it. I need to make sure you’re okay … “
"I'm fine!" Tony shouted. "If it hurts I'll go to hospital. I think... I think I'm gonna go home now."
Gibbs regarded him coolly then raised an eyebrow. "Want a lift?"
"No! I'm gonna..." he didn't have his car. Fuck fuck fuck. "I'm..." To add embarrassment to horror, he burst into tears moments after shouting at his boss.
Gibbs crawled onto the bed and pulled Tony into his arms. “Shh … it’s okay … let it go, Tony,” he whispered. “I’ve got you … I’ve got you.”
Tony wasn't a weepy guy. He tended to be the only dry eye at a funeral. He was able to step back from it all, look at the tragedy from a distance where it couldn't hurt him. But in Gibbs' arms, the only place he could envision being *completely* safe, he had been given permission to fall apart. So he did, sobbing brokenly into the strong man's shoulder.
“That’s it, Tony,” Gibbs said. “That’s my Tony … it’s okay … I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”
Tony continued to sob, clinging to Gibbs’ warm skin as the tears flowed freely. Suddenly, in Gibbs’ arms, Tony felt as though maybe … maybe everything was going to be okay.
"He's never gonna get near you, Tony. I promise," Gibbs was murmuring, determination in his voice. "And I'll do everything I can to make you feel right again. That bastard had no right to do this to you, no right to make you think... damn it, Tony, this wasn't your fault."
The kiss on the forehead sold him and Tony managed a slight smile when he looked up through the tears at his boss. "I know."
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Date: 2009-12-30 04:25 am (UTC)I'm not a big Gibbs/DiNozzo fan but I enjoyed this fic very much!
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